Breathe, [ bones reminds him in a grunt, though the concern is obvious in his eyes for anyone who's known him as long as jim has. he flips the padd over in his hands, squinting down at it briefly before setting it aside. ] I wouldn't've believed it if I hadn't done the test twice, myself, with two different samples. I don't have to tell you the odds of conception were astronomical.
[ he pinches the bridge of his nose, then sits back, folding his arms. ] Not just conception, though, but survival. [ he jerks his thumb back out in david's direction, brows arching. ] The fact that that kid's lived to adulthood is damn-near miraculous. He and Carol are fighters.
[ you really have to admire a woman that determined. but then, he supposes he can't blame her-- the fact that it had happened at all must have seemed almost like destiny. ]
Anyway-- [ he clears his throat, looking faintly awkward and uncomfortable. ] Thought you might need a few minutes.
[ It's a while before he says anything. Unsurprisingly. ]
I grew up without a father. Carol knew that.
[ Jim still wholeheartedly believes everything he's asserted about his former paramour - she did the right thing, made a hard call and did what she felt was best. Jim respects it. But he can't help the stab of betrayal he feels in the heat of the moment-- Jim knows, of course he fucking knows, he'd have made a terrible parent and he'd have never given up the five-year mission just when he'd finally gotten it.
Fuck, though. Jim pulls his hand up and scrubs it over his face, coming to rest over his mouth, gaze on some unfocused point past the other man's shoulder. ]
What the hell do I say to him? I've spent... I've just been. Telling him there's no way.
Jim.. [ he gets a long look, and bones' brows pinch faintly, lowering over his eyes. ] He's a smart kid. I'm sure he knows the odds just as well as you and I do.
[ david doesn't seem like the type of kid to hold a grudge, especially against a father that hadn't known he existed. that had been certain, more, that it was impossible for him to have children. ]
Anyway, what were you gonna' do? Leave the Enterprise and go play dad? Please. [ he glances back out toward david, who appears to be engrossed in work on his padd again, curled up with apparent ease on the bench. ] .. You may not have had his childhood, but he's here now. [ he glances back up, frowning thoughtfully. ] What do you want to do?
No, no, I'm... [ Jim lets out a long breath and drops his hand, both tense and helpless. ] I don't know! I don't know. Even before we established I can't have kids I never-- [ Jim just shrugs. It's not like he was ever going to be a good parent. Which doesn't make him a shitty person or anything, it just makes him self-aware. Carol knew that and, he's assuming, decided it would be the least awkward and troublesome thing to do to just remove the whole equation instead of fuck around with the unstable variables.
She was right. ]
Is it too late to airlock myself to get out of having this conversation?
It was too late when you marched your ass in here in the first place. Now stop overthinking it and go talk to your son. [ a beat, and his brows shoot up. ] .. Damn. Never thought I'd ever have to say that to you.
[ he makes a shooing gesture with one hand, frowning again as he does so. ]
And when you're done, send him to me. I've got about a dozen things to yell at him about.
[ Jim looks faintly queasy at the phrase your son. The technical truth of it is terrifying. The emotional truth is he's no more David's father than if Carol had gotten an anonymous donor-- except that David's been following his career and... Jim doesn't know what his train of thought is doing. He presses a hand over his face again and leans forward, considering for a moment the merits of resting his head on Bones's shoulder.
But he straightens up. ]
Maybe give him a couple days before subjecting him to the full Doctor McCoy experience, [ he says quietly.
God. God.
Eventually. Jim leaves the office. ]
Seems I owe you an apology, [ he says when he returns. ]
[ david's head lifts, and he takes one look at kirk's face and rises to his feet. he glances from jim to bones in his office, then back to jim, expression softening a little uncertainly. ]
It's okay. [ he tucks his padd into the crook of his arm, planting his other hand on his hip as he offers a small smile up. ] I'm not going to say anything. [ if that's what he's worried about. which.. he imagines there are a lot of questions and concerns this news brings, but.. if he can reassure him a little.. ] Though I'd like to tell Rish, if you don't mind. I just.. don't like lying to him. But he'll keep quiet about it, too.
[ he kind of feels like a jerk for saying anything in the first place--he knows now that he shouldn't have--but it feels like some sort of weight has finally slid from his shoulders. he's a little nervous about what the captain is thinking about all of this, but at least he doesn't have to stare after him and wonder, now. ]
[ Jim still seems a little shell-shocked. It makes him look younger, oddly, too-blue puppydog eyes looking out at David like he's seeing a particularly unscary but still unexpected ghost, or maybe a unicorn. ]
I'm not embarrassed, [ he says quietly. ] Well-- I'm embarrassed of how adamantly I insisted it wasn't possible, but I'm not of you. If people know, it's fine. I only want what you're comfortable with.
I'm just. [ Jim stops and gives him a small smile that's a little sad. ] Carol knew how deeply my father's absence impacted me. I don't think I'd have made a good parent, and I still respect what she's done. But I feel guilty anyway.
[ despite himself, he grins briefly. ] Maybe next time I say "I'm certain," you'll be quicker to believe me.
[ the grin fades just as quickly as it appeared, though, and he shifts on his feet, hand lifting from his hip to tuck his hair back. he's quiet as he considers that, teeth catching the inside of his cheek. guilty? ]
You don't have any reason to feel guilty. I think I turned out alright, even without a father around. And as for Mum.. [ he trails off, face heating a little. ] Well, honestly, Mum didn't have any guarantees about me for years. Why would she want to put that stress on someone else, too? Particularly someone she cared about.
[ he and his mother tend to be practical about that sort of thing. what good would it have done kirk to know? at best, it would have been a distraction. and anyway, it's the past.
his glance lifts again, a little flustered still. ] .. If you really don't mind, though, I wouldn't say no to the chance to get to know you a little better.
[ Jim pulls a bit of a face, wry but good-natured. David-- reminds him of himself, alarmingly enough. The bravado, the certainty. There's a gentleness in him too, though, something far more compassionate than Jim ever was at that age.
He assumes it's Carol. He's going to assume all the good bits are Carol, honestly. ]
She went through it alone. Maybe I wouldn't have helped, but I still feel for her.
[ And then Jim reaches out, easy enough that David can stop him if he wants, to rest a hand on his shoulder. He's steady and supportive. ]
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[ he pinches the bridge of his nose, then sits back, folding his arms. ] Not just conception, though, but survival. [ he jerks his thumb back out in david's direction, brows arching. ] The fact that that kid's lived to adulthood is damn-near miraculous. He and Carol are fighters.
[ you really have to admire a woman that determined. but then, he supposes he can't blame her-- the fact that it had happened at all must have seemed almost like destiny. ]
Anyway-- [ he clears his throat, looking faintly awkward and uncomfortable. ] Thought you might need a few minutes.
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I grew up without a father. Carol knew that.
[ Jim still wholeheartedly believes everything he's asserted about his former paramour - she did the right thing, made a hard call and did what she felt was best. Jim respects it. But he can't help the stab of betrayal he feels in the heat of the moment-- Jim knows, of course he fucking knows, he'd have made a terrible parent and he'd have never given up the five-year mission just when he'd finally gotten it.
Fuck, though. Jim pulls his hand up and scrubs it over his face, coming to rest over his mouth, gaze on some unfocused point past the other man's shoulder. ]
What the hell do I say to him? I've spent... I've just been. Telling him there's no way.
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[ david doesn't seem like the type of kid to hold a grudge, especially against a father that hadn't known he existed. that had been certain, more, that it was impossible for him to have children. ]
Anyway, what were you gonna' do? Leave the Enterprise and go play dad? Please. [ he glances back out toward david, who appears to be engrossed in work on his padd again, curled up with apparent ease on the bench. ] .. You may not have had his childhood, but he's here now. [ he glances back up, frowning thoughtfully. ] What do you want to do?
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She was right. ]
Is it too late to airlock myself to get out of having this conversation?
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[ he makes a shooing gesture with one hand, frowning again as he does so. ]
And when you're done, send him to me. I've got about a dozen things to yell at him about.
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But he straightens up. ]
Maybe give him a couple days before subjecting him to the full Doctor McCoy experience, [ he says quietly.
God. God.
Eventually. Jim leaves the office. ]
Seems I owe you an apology, [ he says when he returns. ]
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It's okay. [ he tucks his padd into the crook of his arm, planting his other hand on his hip as he offers a small smile up. ] I'm not going to say anything. [ if that's what he's worried about. which.. he imagines there are a lot of questions and concerns this news brings, but.. if he can reassure him a little.. ] Though I'd like to tell Rish, if you don't mind. I just.. don't like lying to him. But he'll keep quiet about it, too.
[ he kind of feels like a jerk for saying anything in the first place--he knows now that he shouldn't have--but it feels like some sort of weight has finally slid from his shoulders. he's a little nervous about what the captain is thinking about all of this, but at least he doesn't have to stare after him and wonder, now. ]
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I'm not embarrassed, [ he says quietly. ] Well-- I'm embarrassed of how adamantly I insisted it wasn't possible, but I'm not of you. If people know, it's fine. I only want what you're comfortable with.
I'm just. [ Jim stops and gives him a small smile that's a little sad. ] Carol knew how deeply my father's absence impacted me. I don't think I'd have made a good parent, and I still respect what she's done. But I feel guilty anyway.
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[ the grin fades just as quickly as it appeared, though, and he shifts on his feet, hand lifting from his hip to tuck his hair back. he's quiet as he considers that, teeth catching the inside of his cheek. guilty? ]
You don't have any reason to feel guilty. I think I turned out alright, even without a father around. And as for Mum.. [ he trails off, face heating a little. ] Well, honestly, Mum didn't have any guarantees about me for years. Why would she want to put that stress on someone else, too? Particularly someone she cared about.
[ he and his mother tend to be practical about that sort of thing. what good would it have done kirk to know? at best, it would have been a distraction. and anyway, it's the past.
his glance lifts again, a little flustered still. ] .. If you really don't mind, though, I wouldn't say no to the chance to get to know you a little better.
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He assumes it's Carol. He's going to assume all the good bits are Carol, honestly. ]
She went through it alone. Maybe I wouldn't have helped, but I still feel for her.
[ And then Jim reaches out, easy enough that David can stop him if he wants, to rest a hand on his shoulder. He's steady and supportive. ]
I'd really like to get to know you.